I am a depressed little bitch. do not read any of this if itll make u sad or whatever.

did it again. i did not sleep at all tonight. think the ADHD drugs i take are keepin me up tho cuz i feel fine (if u ignore the headache) anyway, i am using today to get ahead of some stuff and it feels kinda good. the only reason im typing this is cuz im w8ing for some shit 2 install so i aint got nothing better 2do. idk i feel productive and i browsed some tptm stuff and it made me feel kinda jolly. also i found this https://youtu.be/_etjeWaj7Fg. dont know what i should feel about it but i fuck with it which is stupid but whatever. had some thoughts about writing a private daily log of stuff i do, but i kinda thought it would be 2 depressing idk. anyway dont really wanna do it so its whatever. feel like it would b 1a those things where u do it for a few days and then drop it. but its whatever. think im kinda looking forward to having some structure in my life again. tho its gonna b annoying as FUCK tryna figure out how 2 do basic bitch shit. but i digress. it really doesnt matter haha. i think ill just ask and tank the damage i get from being a lil baby. anyway i guess thats it.
anyway dispite all that depressing shit i said earlier i think its fine. i feel productive and its nice.

2am right now and i did a few bad things. my legs still kinda hurt which is keeping me from sleeping, which is annoying. writing this rn cuz i dont know what else 2do

Hi im back. things are fine. im in a dorm now which is cool. altho, its kinda spoopy but whatever. i guess its fine. I'm prolly just gonna sell my ADHD meds for money, fuck chicks and do drugs. OW FUCK. I JUST FUCKING HIT MY FUCKING FUNNY BONE OW FUCK. anyway im better now. refraction girl still goes hard as fuck. chocbox girl is fucking fire. im working on a pvz mod. everythigns fine. well idk. its kinda scary i guess but its fine. who cares lmmaoo. BLUH IM NERVIOUS BUT ITS FINE. anyway thats it. hi future me, i preemptivly forgive you for forgetting i exist (wow thats a lot of 4's), its fine. anyway i love oyu.

Lmao sup im back (me talking to the 0 people who will read this) ((unless i told you to vist and know you irl in which case i just wanna tell you i am very normal and content and dw about me)) ANYWAY, uh. the dentist stole all my teeth which was cool. Still kinda hurts but i dont talk anyway so the debuff doesnt really have an effect on me, which is cool. anyway i was randomly listening to The Post Tramatic Manifesto or whatever (cuz the new 47 min ver came out) and like bluh. idk haha 4some reason i started getting all teary and stuff at refraction girl which was cool. I like crying. anyway, re-listening to all the songs finally ended up with me adding them all to the playlist, as the more i listen to them the more i like them and stuff, until i get burnt out and die or something lol. anyway also i learned about the word Alexithymia from one of the hospital form things which was cool. thats kinda like me for real for real. I think? whatever idk. i think my memory fucking sucks ass. like when ranking my fav games i need a list of all them ive played cuz im fucking stupid. i cant fufcking do anything. i just fucking cant, like theres so much shit i could do to achive my goals but i just fuckin dont and then i have the nerve to be upset about it which is fucking lame and pathetic haha... anyway ill just keep existing i guess. to much effort to do anything else and it doesnt matter. wow this turned depressing. i think we can ignore the fucking warning thing cuz my stupidass is never sending this to anyone haha... unless i get a therapist and send this 2 them cuz i cant fucking discribe my emotions so it usually ends up being fucking worthless, (i mean like, im the problem! so im not being mean its my fault. i made it worthless) god im fucking stupid haha, i cant even fucking discribe why i hate myself. BLUH SORRY FUCK FCUFKLC UKFUCK. anyway ive been laughing at alot (alot should be a word it would be cool) more at videos resently, which would be cool if smiling didnt hurt my face, (cuz they stole my teeth not cuz im that sad) although i think if i started thinking about it, i would stop smiling. cuz i think its kinda all pretend? idk. im basically not even real. haha. TwT (btw thats like a cool face of me crying incase u dont know) ((im writing more specific stuff (the brackets) cuz i acutally kinda love the idea of sending this to a therapist, even tho im probably to stupid to change anything)) bluh whatever. every time i try to write about anything regarding my emotions it turns so fucking pathetic and sad and dumb and bad and i hate it. i think? idk. whatever. haha... UFCKL I HATE FEELING LIKE EVERYTHING IS WHATEVER. I HATE IT AHAHHAHAHAH. but i guess its fine. ive been like this for as long as i can remeber. idk, its like, how am i ever supposed to improve or get better if i dont have the mental compasity to remeber my existance. like i dont have any fucking longterm storage for stuff its like im just drifting thru my existance without ever truly thinking just reacting to stimuli or whatever. probably irrational and meaningless. sorry haha

I uh didn't want to put a future me thing cuz past me was upset about that for some reason haha... anyway i guess im over it now so thats chill. I dont care anymore.

Hmm... Been thinking resently that uh... I definitly hate myself.......... okay im gonna stop with these annoying ass fucking stupid fucking periods! I dont know what uh it is lmao but its definitly something probably haha. maybe not and im just fucking lying though that would be funny. im sure future me would hate me for that haha. more than they probably already do. whatever. maybe they pitty me if we end up getting our shit sorted out. I think I kinda wanna have like a big emotional outburst sometime haha,,, like uh,,, idk,,, I think i would probably enjoying crying and stuff as apposed to this passive misery debuff which underscores my entire existance. I think its probably my memory. Like I think i was pretty alright a short while ago but I genuinely can't remember what that felt like. I think i'm probably just to stupid for this, ill probably just be sad forever and thats all there is to say on the matter haha.. god this was fucking pointless. dont fucking read any of this future me. if you come in here with one of your stupid fucking comments about how i was overeacting im going to killmyself to stop you from existing. even though this is obviously a meaningless fucking threat given i will be dead when you read this haha... idk i think i just dont have any drive to pursue happyness at all! i think im probably just someone who wont ever find a true happyness. all the games and shit im making are a fucking waste of time.

Wow! about one update every month isnt that bad haha, not that ANYONE will EVER READ THIS... apart from maybe some future me haha,,,, anyway, at the time of writing this, microstudio is down... or like.. has been down for two days,,, which is like,, some shitty website i use to make my games.... and like.. idk man, if i lose all of that shit im gonna crash TF out..... cuz i basically spent the past few months working on a THE BINDING OF ISAAC clone, cuz i thought it would be cool or whatever..... ANYWAY, IF THEY LOSE MY SHIT IM GOING TO BE VERY VERY SAD HAHA..... god i hope they dont lose my shit.... haha... im basically only updating this because i cant do the coding stuff that i actually want to do... anyway, im going to do something more productive than this, like getting struck by lightning or something... hahahaha...... bye...

Lmao, i just lost my daily run isaac win streak, nyah!~~ FUCK.

its so fuckign cold right now. and im going to have to walk to a stupid fucking place and its going to fukcing suck. i fucking hate walking so fucking much. or a least to and from [LOCATION THAT I HAVE TO WALK TO AND FROM] cuz theres a bunch of fucking cars which are loud as hell.... and also i dont like having a bunch of people in cares looking at me. whatever. im going to have to do it in like an hour and im dreading it. i think whenever im on my meds i care a lot less about divulging personal info... i mean not like personal persona info, but like... idk the fact that hate myself. AH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FucKF UFCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FuCK FucK FUCK FUCK FUC FCUFCKFU CKFUCK FUCK FucK FUCK FucjK FuKufFUCK FCU. okay nvm its fine. haha. fuck im so fucking stupdi ahahah. x33. sorry about that i had to communicate with someone and uh. im not very good at that. i mean whatever. i think if i thought about it for more than 0.0001 seconds i would realize how basically nothing bad is going to come from it. Ughx2. you ever feel like you chose to define yourself in such arbitrary ways that it kinda calls into question if you even really have a identity or if its just a bunch of bullshit?w? LMAO that sucks! for you. because im assuming you said yes. i dont have anything like that!!! or something. this is the kinda shit i need to type in the infinite scrolling text thing so noone can actually read it. i dont want just anyone to know about my existential dread!! that should be reserved for people who sit on the home page for an unreasonable amount of time x3.
i just added the future me note to the last yap, and uh. now i have a headaque fuck fuck fuckfc ufk csdfjsdakfjk holy shit i wanna sleep or something. fuck this fucking sucks. ugh.... im going to have to walk fuckkk its going to be so fukcing annoooyyyingng... whatever. i just thought about some bullshit to put on the scrollbar in the homepage, so ima do that now.

whatevever. its been a few days since ive actually worked on this and i kinda want to type stuff so im here i guess. I don't know why past me didn't put a date on the furst one but whatever. btw furst is like a nepeta pun or something. ugh who cares. anyway. i think i kinda like my shitty writing style. just cuz like idk. sometimes you leave something you wrote a few months ago, and then you read it and it addresses you! like uh. i mean it brings up "future me", from the past me's purrspective... whatever. what im trying to articulate is that i don't really hate my stupid writing style that much but like... i guess im worried people will think im tarnishing the art of making a website... with my stupid writing and shit... which actually sounds so fucking stupid now that im typing it. haha holy fuck. whatever. ughhhhh... random omionus message time thing or whaatever... i uh,,, dont really see a path forward for myself and its kinda maken me nervious hahahahahahahahah,,,,,, haha,,, fjsals sldag lsakdhfkljsadh fkjsdaflhds fucjkkkk fuck fuckf uck... uh... imagine this is a horror game, and you are watching some footage where the people die at the end... but instead its me... and im like,, exploding from embarrasment or something... ugh who knows. whatever... sorry.

WOW HOLY FUCK. WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO WANT TO READ THIS SHIT.., FASHFJKSDHFKJDS FUCK!!!!

(UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE: I was worried for no fucking reason. what an idiot past me is, lets both take a moment to laugh at the ignorance put on display here. what a bozo. i hate that bitch. or something. whatever. im kinda playing it up a litle bit, even though i think part of my brain does get some sick kick out of shittalking past me's. its not like. weird or anything. but idk, acknowledging that past me is a dumb ass fucking bitch means that i am immune to all critisim. or something like that. certified homestuck moment. god im cooked.)

(update from even more in the future... why the fuck did i write "certified homestuck moment. god im cooked."...... thats so fucking embarrasing omg i hate both of you so much haha.....)

ugh, is there a convinent way to make this work good? and be ez 2 edit???? who fucking knows. probably an iteration of me who is better at researching things, or asking questions in general i guess. whatever. i uh. dont really know what to yap about rn given im mostly writing this shit so that the yapping tab doesn't lead to the error thing.
why would anyahone want to read my stupid words anyway, i think my writing style is annoying as fuck but maybe im looking at this wrong, given i dont think anyone will see this, so i should probably just be writing shit for funsies. huh. wowie. anyway yeah thats my first yapping!!!!! cuz like.. its just gonna be a thing i add 2 whenever i wnat to yap about stuff. or somethign... whatever... hopefully future me gets use out of this or something... (HI FUTURE ME!!! I TOLERATE YOU!!!!!)

(future me here and like... ugh. i really wish youd stop mentioning me when people are around... its really embarrasing....)